The world of The Witcher 3 is one of extremes. It is a brutal land full of monsters, mayhem, and murderous monarchs; often the player is at the heart of the darkest actions. At the same time, the beauty of the scenery and the diversity of the characters keep fans enthralled for hours.
It’s easy to credit the grandiose parts of this game for the mass interest in it. But the devil is in the details: part of what keeps fans coming back is the humanity on display in the game. This, of course, includes a surprising amount of humor.
Though witchers are said not to have emotions, Geralt of Rivia is known for his dry wit. This flawed hero is always ready with sarcastic quips and barbs, but fans know that prickly exterior can hide a sometimes cheeky and even goofy nature. Geralt may be a mutated monster-slayer, but he’s also a father. The Butcher of Blaviken has never been above a good dad joke (and he’s not the only one).
10 A Cheesy Sword Name
The quest “Of Dairy and Darkness” is one of the goofier side-quests in the Witcher 3. In it, Geralt explores the destroyed laboratory of Aeramus, an expert cheesemaker. Aeramus’ cheeses are so potent that their fumes can be used to induce visions in a magical art called tyromancy.
There is a lot of humor in this quest as Geralt coughs his way through a maze filled with deadly stinky cheese fumes. The final reward is a sword embedded in a statue covered in decorative stone cheeses. Geralt breaks out his dad humor to give the sword a name as he aptly titles it: “The Emmentaler.”
9 Geralt’s Superior Job Security
One of the earliest quests in the game takes place in a tavern in White Orchard where Geralt and Vesemir begin their travels in search of Yennefer. Geralt meets and speaks with Aldert Geert, the egotistic assistant professor in contemporary history at Oxenfurt Academy.
Aldert teaches Geralt how to play the ever-popular card game Gwent, but only after Geralt subtly comments on the plight of the adjunct professor. He one-ups Aldert’s pompous declaration of his assistant professorship with his own job status: “Witcher with tenure.” Good one, dad.
8 Geralt’s Impish Nature
One of Geralt’s main sources of income is tackling the contracts that appear on notice boards across the Continent. Many of these contracts involve exterminating lesser monsters for civilians. The notice board in the Hierarch Square in the city of Novigrad contains a contract posted by Sylvester Amello who needs assistance with an imp.
Speaking to Sylvester starts the “An Elusive Thief” contract quest. Geralt puts on his dad-hat to ask Sylvester: “Really got an imp problem? Or is that just an imp-erfection in the notice?” Sylvester is not amused and one has to wonder if that was Geralt’s true intent.
7 Talking To Himself
Throughout the Witcher series, Geralt talks to himself endlessly about clues that he finds on the Path. It’s a habit he’s acquired likely due to the fact that he is on his own much of the time. After all, he is almost always hunting monsters that are not safe for the average human fighter to take on.
Even when he’s scampering around towns or investigating with a partner, no one points out this endearing quirk except for this random old woman Geralt helps. In the quest “A Frying Pan, Spic and Span”, Geralt breaks into a hut to discover a dead body and, as he’s talking to himself about the clues he finds, she responds, thus surprising Geralt and prompting him to mutter: “Nothing, nothing.”
6 Redania Birdo Colory
Rock trolls are an endless source of amusement throughout the Witcher with their colorful adopted vocabulary, sometimes outrageous demands, and their general goodheartedness despite their scary appearances. Geralt happens across a singing rock troll who thinks he is a member of the Redanian army.
This troll is named Trollololo - the name itself is a dad-worthy pun and reference. If Geralt begins a quest called “The Volunteer”, he can eventually help this rock troll paint the Redanian coat of arms on his makeshift fort. But Geralt is a master of arms, not a master of arts, and his painting comes out poorly. If you choose instead to have the rock troll paint the coat of arms, the picture hilariously turns out much, much better.
5 Witchers Have An Excellent Sense Of Smell
Geralt’s fabled love for the ladies leads to many funny moments both in the game and outside of it. Since he has become immune to the horrors of the Continent through his work, he’s not the best at sussing out when an amorous comment has appropriate timing.
When he reunites with Yennefer at the funeral of Bran Tuirseach, King of the Skellige Isles, Geralt can’t help commenting that she looks beautiful and smells wonderful. Yennefer sternly reminds him that they are a funeral to which Geralt replies, in true daft-dad fashion: “You smell wonderful at this funeral.” Smooth.
4 It’s A Dog’s Life
Geralt and Yennefer are experts in wordplay and witty repartée; it’s one of the reasons they are perfect for each other. In the quest “In Wolf’s Clothing”, they team up to take down a werewolf, Morkvarg, who is cursed with unending hunger while being unable to eat anything.
The two lovers trade wolf puns until Geralt eventually wins by saying: “Just wolfin’ things down…or not.” Other highlights of their pun fight: “No question, he was top dog here,” and “To transform into a werewolf…It’s a dog’s life, eh?”
3 Geralt’s Drunk Summoning
One of the most memorable episodes in Geralt’s story is when the witchers return to Kaer Morhen and find themselves with a night off. Eskel, Lambert, and Geralt get blindingly sloshed once Yennefer goes to bed. In their drunkenness, they decide that it would be a good idea to summon other sorceresses to join their impromptu party.
When attempting to use Yennefer’s megascope while inebriated, Geralt’s faux incantations are pure comedy gold: “Hocus-pocus…Abracadabra…Arse blahanna…” It’s no wonder they never make contact with any other sorceresses.
2 Fowl Language
The Blood and Wine expansion for The Witcher 3 contains some of the best funny moments in the game. Slapstick comedy abounds and, when Geralt temporarily visits an illusionary nursery rhyme world, neither he nor his storybook foes can resist the many puns that present themselves.
But it’s another battle of wits with Yennefer that takes the cake on puns. They trade wordplay about birds this time until Yennefer wins with: “I feel a bit like the cat that got the canary” referring to her peace and happiness at last with Geralt. This wordplay is so bad that it barely qualifies as humor - but it’s certainly peak dad.
1 Dijkstra The Poet
Geralt and Yennefer aren’t the only ones on the Continent with keen senses of humor. The former Redanian spymaster, Sigismund Dijkstra, is as prickly as barbed wire, but his sense of humor is top-notch. Many of the best lines in the game come from this man as he has no fear of sassing the witcher when Geralt gets on his nerves.
When Dandelion goes missing, Geralt presses Dijkstra for information by asking if he might have an issue with the poet himself. Dijkstra replies with epic sarcasm that yes – of course he does – due to Dandelion’s liberties with poetic structures.
NEXT: The Witcher 3: 10 Glitch-Memes That Will Have You Cry-Laughing
