Across the gaming community, a horrifying number of stories are coming out about prominent names using their influence to harass and abuse others, often sexually. Emboldened by the realization that they are not alone, many victims of these assaults are choosing to speak out in order to try and instigate change. Unfortunately, the call for people to be accountable for their abusive actions is coming alongside comments from a toxic group of men who are instead trying to victim blame, seeking to refuse accountability, and instead suggesting that victims simply have bad boundaries or can’t take a “joke.”

Toxic Attitudes

While there are also men who have suffered and women who have been accused, this ridiculous diatribe about boundaries is aimed squarely at women and comes from people like Keemstar, who are seeking to placate their toxic male audience.

In a post to his 2.8million viewers, who tune in for his problematic and drama fueled rants, Keemstar says

“Based on these responses from twitter (I) stand corrected. Kissing a girls hand is sexual harassment borderline RAPE! Even if the girl gives no verbal or physical signs that she’s uncomfortable, that the man is crossing boundaries. It’s still RAPE! I am smarter now, thanks Twitter.”

Other toxic comments include the, now deleted, take from The Quartering that suggests

“Flirting is dead. It’s all rape now.”

These comments are peak victim-blaming and show a huge lack of understanding about reactions to harassment and abuse. It’s also trying to shift the problem away from abusers and back onto victims and it needs to stop. It’s not only totally false but it also shifts the focus away from the real issue which is that predatory behavior is both far too common and all too often glossed over or simply accepted as “normal.”

Fight, Flight And Freeze

There are three responses to abuse and they are fight, flight, and freeze. All three are well documented, although the freeze response is often conveniently ignored by predators who use “they didn’t fight me off” as an excuse. Which of the three kicks in is often dependent on the situation.

The fight response is triggered if you think you can fight off the threat. Given that many victims are women, who are often naturally physically weaker, smaller, and/or slower than their predominantly male abusers, this is rare. Flight is another response but unless there’s an easy way out this won’t kick in either, often due to fear of repercussions. Therefore many victims freeze completely. Staying still, not fighting, or giving any cause for the abuse to worsen and simply trying to block out the events is common, especially if they are trapped with someone who has the power to ruin their career and their life.

Consent should always be enthusiastic and ongoing, as perfectly captured by Emmeline May and Blue Seat Studios Tea Consent analogy.

Fixing The Issues

These toxic comments have been called out by some, including H3 Podcast’s Hila Klien who says:

“What a terrible and dangerous take. Victims of sexual assault already have a hard enough time speaking out, with feelings of shame and guilt. The last thing we need is for someone like keemstar to also criticize how they “should have just said no”. Fuck keemstar.”

However, just calling it out isn’t enough. We also need to change attitudes towards sexual abuse and harassment and women in general. In gaming, women are often viewed as sexual objects and this carries over into attitudes towards them.

Statistics for abuse are terrifyingly high, with almost 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men having been raped in their lifetime. When you take into account the fact that many victims don’t even report the crime, the real numbers are likely to be even higher.

To combat this we need accountability. Abuse leaves long-lasting scars and ruins lives. Stop blaming victims and start blaming perpetrators and make sexual abuse and harassment as unacceptable as other crimes. Women should be able to feel safe enough to say no, knowing that that will be the end of the matter and they won’t simply be subjected to more flirting, moving into persuasion, and harassment. No should mean no but all too often toxic males, in particular, read it as “maybe”, “not yet” or even “yes.”

We can all call out toxic attitudes online, stand up for those in public voice channels who are being verbally abused due to their gender, and be part of the solution, not the problem. Above all remember that consent doesn’t mean silent compliance.

NEXT: Not Very Surprising: Sexualizing Female Video Game Characters Can Provoke Harassment Against Women

Sources: CHC Psychology Today Header